


Exist

by frostycakes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety, Blood, Dissociation, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-04-17 00:30:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4645689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostycakes/pseuds/frostycakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know it must be terrifying to know your friend is hurting so much, but you really can't help it. You wish he didn't have to hurt with you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exist

**Author's Note:**

> warnings for: dissociation, unreality, self harm, panic, anxiety and blood
> 
> jade n rose are mostly mentions sorry bout that!

Your heart is beating double time, yet you do not feel it. You do not feel anything. Your body has been repossessed, this evening's anxiety draining you of every feeling. Your nerve endings don't seem to be connected to your brain. You are floating, with no grip on the reality around you.

Your body is working, sure, but you don't know what's happening. To you, the world is a blur, your body simply a vessel that can't possibly understand the _need need need_ to lay the fuck down and get away from everybody. Your mind is buzzing within its confines. Your fingers twitch, but the people seated in a loose circle near the center of the room notice nothing. You are screaming where no one can hear it, they are laughing without a care in the world.

You think you bring a hand up, tiredly rub at your eyes under your shades before dropping it back down to your thigh. Earlier, your leg was bouncing uncontrollably, a typical reaction when you're forced into a situation like this, but now, it is still. You are still.

You list off the things you know for sure. You are at a small get-together with a few of your close friends. You had not left the house previously for a week, give or take. You lost track after the third afternoon of isolation, only your thoughts to accompany the quiet mayhem.

John is the one who dragged you here. You are at his house, to the best of your memory. No, wait, maybe you moved? You could all just have easily gone to Jade's house, it's right down the block. You backtrack, but only find a fog where your memory should be. You blink a few times to try and dispel the mist, try not to disturb anyone, they can't know _they can't know_. Your thoughts are jumbled and all you seem to be able to focus on now is your heartbeat, thumping away with reckless abandon. It's difficult to focus again on the task at hand, and so you give up, letting your mind drift, knowing the list is now a lost cause. You have too many doubts, and really, you just want to find a quiet corner to curl away until you come back.

The nerves in your wrist light up with pain, only mild, but amplified by your lack of attention. Your head tilts down and you scan your arm where your other hand is clawing lightly at the veins just below the surface. The area is reddened significantly, the only explanation being that you'd been doing that for quite some time without even realizing. Fuck, shit, someone is going to notice. You even pushed up your sleeve, how stupid did you have to _be?_

You scan the room, feeling the beginning stirrings of panic. Everyone is still minding their own business, having a good time like they should be, you're the fuck up you're the one dragging them all down _what are you even doing here?_ You take a deep breath in, subtly, and push your sleeve back down as quickly as you can without drawing attention to yourself. You take in your surroundings, noticing you're sitting on the couch in the middle of the room while everyone else is still on the floor by the fireplace, even though it isn't lit and it's the middle of the fucking summer. You think you hear someone in the kitchen, and your eyes begin to flicker over the room, looking for an escape. Your eyes land on John, and you freeze.

He's eyeing you carefully, almost as if he's concerned for your well-being, presumably having noticed your tense frame at some point previously, you don't know. At this point your heart feels as though it's about to beat out of your chest. How long had he been sitting there, just watching you space out? You're afraid, you don't know why, you feel as though you might die.

Your body is working on complete autopilot as you stand up, casually remarking that you're going to go use the bathroom, only to assuage John's piercing stare.

"Just don't get lost, you hear me?" Jade exclaims as the group's attention turns toward you. Rose pokes her head out from the kitchen doorway, carrying a bag of Doritos between her teeth and leveling her gaze at you.

Your feel your mouth form the words before you hear them, or register that you're having a conversation at all. "Don't worry, Harley, I think I can make it up some stairs." Your reply is uncharacteristically short, slightly slurred, and before you know it, your legs are lugging you up the stairs, though you still feel light as air. You feel John's eyes boring into your back, and it sends even more adrenaline through your system.

You make short work of unceremoniously locking yourself in the bathroom, clicking the door shut gently. Immediately you slide down against the back of the door, hands shaking slightly as your body comes into contact with the freezing tile on the floor. You slip your shades off and toss them onto a towel that had been thrown haphazardly to the ground at some earlier point in time, assuring they don't break while you do. Your breath is coming shorter and shorter, and you think you've finally started to resettle into your skin, even though your focus keeps slipping away from you. You don't know how long you have been sitting there already, but you know it won't take much longer for one of your friends to come searching for you.

Your hand curls uselessly against the ground. You're just trying to keep it from digging its nails into the thin skin of your arm, which would bring you back down to Earth, but also might... y'know.

Actually, you don't know. You can't just _think_ for long enough to settle on a con to hurting yourself, you know it'll bring you back and you can go down to your friends and act like a functioning person and wow, why didn't you do this sooner?

Your nails, blunt though they are, are pressing into your soft wrist, no longer simply scratching but actually trying to draw blood. You don't even remember putting them there. Your body sings with the pain shooting through you, and you see blood start to bead underneath your fingertips. You must be pressing incredibly hard for the wounds to already be bleeding. They might even bruise later. Wouldn't that be the life.

Belatedly, you realize you never even pulled your sleeve up, and you'd rather not get blood all up in the fabric of your shirt, so you bring your arm up to your mouth, your nails still pressing into your flesh, and tug the cloth up with your teeth. It's loose, and will probably keep falling down from your elbow, but you don't care as long as you keep _feeling._

Just as you begin contemplating driving your teeth into your skin as well, a knock echoes through the room. You're still seated against the door, and the vibrations echo through your body. You flinch violently, brought out of your reverie, and quickly draw your hand away from your wrist, small drops of blood dripping to the floor, but not nearly enough to be worrying. The scars already there had proven to be much worse than anything your fingernails could do, so you're not at all concerned.

By the sound of it, though, John is.

"Dave? Are you alright in there? It's been, like, twenty minutes, dude. I know you value your privacy, but this is a bit excessive," he says, his voice shaking the tiniest bit. You know he knows what you've been doing. He already knows about everything, they all do, but that doesn't stop you from panicking at even the thought of them catching you like this. You know it must be terrifying to know your friend is hurting so much, but you really can't help it. You wish he didn't have to hurt with you.

You're spacing out again. John knocks once more.

"Yeah, man, shit, I'll be out in a minute." Your tone sounds completely controlled, dull even, and you curse your lack of emotional response. It's not intentional.

"Actually, uh, you don't mind if I come in, do you?"

"Geez, John, give a dude some privacy," you mutter weakly, even faked confidence now a lost cause. You know you're fucked. You fully push both of your sleeves up to the elbow, putting everything out in the open, and drag yourself heavily off the bathroom floor. You unlock the door, and open it only to be met with a very worried expression. It casts down toward your left arm, where the blood has coagulated and half-dried, and looks back up to meet your _(uncovered, damn it)_ eyes.

He takes your hand without a word, pulling you back into the bathroom once again, avoiding the bloody spots on the floor and closing the door behind the both of you. At this point, you're almost numb to everything that's happening again, flickering in between dissociating and panicking at the fact that yes, John is here and yes, John is trying to fix what you've broken.

"Nod once if you can hear me."

Your head bobs without your permission, but you feel a little more grounded than you did before. The panic comes rushing back, and you almost give up on finding any kind of medium, but then you focus on the feeling of John's hands against your skin, and your breath stills for a moment before slowing and pacing itself so you're not hyperventilating. He's taking extra care to keep from overstimulating your frazzled mind and keeps contact with only your arm, nowhere else.

He's almost finished bandaging it by the time you find words again. "Sorry," you croak out.

He smiles, something small, soft and caring. "It's alright. Come to one of us next time. You know we want to help."

"Yeah." You rest your head gently against his shoulder, keeping yourself stabilized. You swallow, and hear it rush in your ears. He finally drops your hand and stands with you, and as far as you're concerned, you're the only two in the world. You know Jade and Rose will be waiting for an explanation downstairs, but for now, you're content to just exist.

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this in an hour and a half, it's only been read over twice, and it's like 4 am right now
> 
> also managed to dissociate thru like half of it so if it seems a little difficult to read then that might be why sorry! hope you enjoyed!!


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